02 Dec “I Want To Want Him But I Do Not” – Why Your Intimate Life Feels Like It Has Died and What To Do About It with Susan Bratton
Have you ever wondered why intimacy feels like just another chore on your endless to-do list? If you’re lying awake at night feeling guilty about avoiding your partner, exhausted by the thought of being touched, or convinced something’s fundamentally wrong with your body – you’re not alone. In fact, you’re experiencing exactly what millions of midlife women face every single day.
As someone who’s spent years working with women navigating the complex terrain of midlife health, I’ve heard it all. The shame. The frustration. The sense that your body has completely betrayed you. That’s why I knew I had to have this conversation with intimacy expert Susan Bratton – a woman who’s helped millions understand what’s really happening when desire disappears.
Here’s what struck me most: whether you’re someone who’s tried everything to reignite that spark, or you’ve simply given up hope that things will ever change, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. The problem isn’t your body, your hormones, or your relationship. The problem is that we’ve all been operating from the wrong playbook.
The Biological Truth Nobody Taught You
Let me paint a picture that might feel uncomfortably familiar. Your partner sees you getting ready for bed and within seconds, they’re ready for intimacy. Meanwhile, you’re still mentally running through tomorrow’s schedule, worrying about that work presentation, and wondering if you remembered to move the laundry to the dryer.
Here’s the revolutionary truth Susan revealed: women have the exact same amount of erectile tissue as men. Yes, you read that correctly. But while his equipment can become fully engorged in one to two minutes, yours needs approximately 20 minutes to achieve the same state of arousal.
Think about that for a moment. Twenty minutes versus two minutes. Yet most intimate encounters rush straight to intercourse within five to ten minutes. No wonder it doesn’t feel good. No wonder you’re not interested. You’re literally not physically ready.
Why Everything You’ve Seen About Intimacy Is Wrong
Susan dropped a truth bomb that made me physically uncomfortable when I first heard it, but it explains so much. Almost everything we’ve ever seen or learned about intimacy – from health class to Hollywood to yes, even what our partners might be watching online – is built around male pleasure patterns.
When someone says “let’s have sex,” what immediately comes to mind? Intercourse, right? But Susan challenges this entire framework. Why do we treat everything else as “foreplay” – like it’s just an appetizer before the main event? For women, especially midlife women, all those intimate touches, massages, and connections ARE the main event. They’re not preliminary; they’re essential.
Our culture has conditioned us to believe that being instantly ready is normal, and if we’re not, we’re somehow broken. But testosterone-dominant bodies and estrogen-dominant bodies operate on completely different timelines. It’s not a character flaw or a libido problem – it’s biology.
The Three Circles That Changed Everything
Susan introduced a framework that brilliantly explains why midlife women struggle with desire: the intersection of libido, desire, and arousal.
Libido is your health. When you’re dealing with sleep issues, hormonal changes, autoimmune conditions, or the crushing weight of daily stress, your libido naturally flatlines. It’s not that you don’t love your partner – your body is simply in survival mode.
Desire is how you feel about yourself. If you’re avoiding mirrors, hiding under loose clothing, and constantly criticizing yourself, how can you possibly feel desirable? Add in the weight of being the family’s emotional manager, career pressures, and caring for aging parents, and self-criticism becomes a constant inner dialogue.
Arousal is the physical response. This is where the 20-minute rule becomes crucial. Your arousal ladder has huge steps that require time, patience, and the right stimulation to climb. Your partner’s ladder? It’s more like an escalator.
The Permission You’ve Been Waiting For
Here’s what Susan taught me that felt like a weight lifting off my shoulders: you don’t owe anyone anything in the bedroom. Not intercourse. Not their completion. Not even participation if you’re not feeling it.
This isn’t about being selfish or disconnected from your partner. It’s about recognizing that obligation and pleasure cannot coexist. When intimacy becomes duty – what Susan calls “duty booty” – everybody loses. You feel resentful and disconnected. Your partner feels the lack of genuine enthusiasm. The cycle of avoidance and guilt deepens.
A Practical Path Forward
Susan’s approach isn’t about fixing what’s broken – because you’re not broken. It’s about creating entirely new patterns that honor how your body actually works.
Start with scheduling. Yes, putting intimacy on the calendar might seem unromantic, but it gives your mind time to transition from task mode to connection mode. Choose times when you’re not exhausted – maybe weekend afternoons instead of late nights after a glass of wine.
Redefine the experience. Begin with what Susan calls the “soulmate embrace” – simply being held without any expectation of what comes next. Let your partner know that the goal isn’t intercourse; it’s connection and pleasure.
Introduce helpful tools. Whether it’s specific massage techniques, quality lubricants with natural ingredients (never the stuff from drugstores – they’re full of chemicals you don’t want absorbed into your bloodstream), or even small amounts of CBD or THC to help you get out of your head, give yourself permission to use what helps.
Communicate differently. If talking feels confrontational, try writing a letter or having brief conversations during car rides. Share this information as exciting discoveries rather than criticisms. Most partners are eager to learn what actually works – they just haven’t had the right information either.
The Yoni Massage Revolution
One of Susan’s most powerful recommendations is introducing yoni massage into your intimate life. This isn’t just about physical pleasure – it’s about rewiring the entire dynamic. When your partner learns to spend time pleasuring you without the pressure of reciprocation or the rush toward intercourse, everything changes.
The key is giving them tools to succeed. Susan recommends specific devices designed for different sensitivity levels, combined with quality lubricants or oils. This isn’t about replacing connection with gadgets – it’s about enhancing stimulation in ways that activate all the nerve endings and pleasure receptors that typically get ignored.
Breaking Free from the Shame Spiral
Perhaps the most profound shift Susan experienced – and what she now teaches others – is releasing the shame around our bodies and desires. At 64, she describes having the best intimate life of her entire life. Not despite aging, but because she finally understands how her body works and what it needs.
This isn’t about accepting less or lowering standards. It’s about recognizing that the standards we’ve been trying to meet were never designed for us in the first place. When you stop trying to force your body to respond like a 25-year-old man’s and start honoring how it actually works, everything changes.
Your Body’s Wisdom Is Not the Problem
Every midlife woman I work with carries some version of the same story: “I used to love intimacy, but something changed. Now I feel broken.” But here’s what Susan’s expertise confirms – you’re not broken. You’re responding exactly as you should to a system that was never designed with your pleasure in mind.
Your body’s wisdom is trying to tell you something important: the old way isn’t working because it never really worked. It’s time for a new approach – one that centers female pleasure, honors the time you need, and removes the pressure of performance.
The Intimacy-Health Connection You Can’t Ignore
Here’s something that might motivate you even if pleasure doesn’t: regular orgasms are literally medicine for your body. They boost your immune system, improve sleep, reduce pain, help with menopause symptoms, and release natural mood elevators. Susan calls intimacy the “fourth factor” of health, alongside nutrition, movement, and sleep.
But here’s the key – these benefits only come from genuine pleasure, not duty sex. When you’re going through the motions, your body knows the difference. The stress hormones from forced intimacy can actually work against you.
Where to Begin Today
If you’re reading this and thinking, “This all makes sense, but I still don’t want to be touched,” that’s okay. Start where you are. Maybe that means having an honest conversation with your partner about needing to rebuild from scratch. Maybe it means scheduling a massage (just a massage) for this weekend. Maybe it means simply sharing this article and saying, “This resonated with me. Can we talk?”
The path back to desire isn’t about forcing yourself to want something you don’t want. It’s about creating conditions where wanting becomes possible again. It’s about having experiences that actually feel good for your body. It’s about getting the time, stimulation, and connection you need to genuinely engage.This isn’t about saving your relationship or keeping your partner happy. This is about reclaiming a part of yourself that deserves to experience pleasure, connection, and joy. It’s about recognizing that your body’s wisdom has been trying to protect you from experiences that don’t serve you.
The conversation about midlife intimacy needs to change, and it starts with each of us being brave enough to say: “What we’ve been doing isn’t working, and that’s not my fault.”
Links mentioned in the episode:
http://orgasmicintercouse.com/
http://soulmateembrace.com/
The contents of the Midlife Conversations podcast is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always consult with a qualified healthcare provider. Some episodes of Midlife Conversations may be sponsored by products or services discussed during the show. The host may receive compensation for such advertisements or if you purchase products through affiliate links mentioned on this podcast.
