25 Nov When Someone You Love Is Addicted and Why They Can’t “Just Quit” with Chris Doyle
Have you ever wondered why some teens can experiment with substances and walk away unscathed while others can’t stop after the first time? Or why your typical parenting strategies might actually make addiction worse?
If you’re like I was for many years, you might associate addiction with bad choices, lack of control, or moral failings. I’ll be honest – that’s exactly how I viewed it. When people in my life struggled with addiction, my response was to cut them off completely. “They got themselves into this mess,” I thought. “Why can’t they just stop?”
But here’s what changed everything for me: learning that addiction isn’t about willpower, character, or even bad parenting. It’s about brain chemistry, genetic predisposition, and a reaction that’s as uncontrollable as an allergic response.
I recently sat down with Chris Doyle, an addiction intervention specialist who’s been sober for 18 years and now helps families navigate the complexities of addiction. What he shared completely transformed my understanding of addiction – especially for those of us in midlife dealing with teenage children, aging parents, or our own struggles.
The Shrimp Allergy That Changed How I See Addiction
Chris painted a picture that stopped me in my tracks. Imagine ten teenagers going to their first party. They all try alcohol for the first time. Nine of them have a normal experience – maybe they get drunk, feel silly, have a hangover. But one of them? Their brain lights up differently. They feel like they’ve found the solution to every problem they’ve ever had.
It’s not because they’re weak or bad. It’s because their brain chemistry reacts differently to that substance – just like how one person in ten might have an allergic reaction to shrimp while the others enjoy their meal without incident.
This analogy revolutionized my understanding. Addiction isn’t a moral failing – it’s a physiological response that affects roughly 10-15% of people who try substances.
Why “Just Say No” Doesn’t Work (And What Does)
Here’s a shocking statistic Chris shared: The average age of first substance use is still 12 years old. Yes, twelve. And over 90% of teenagers will experiment with drugs or alcohol before they graduate high school.
As parents, our instinct is to double down on control – more restrictions, tracking apps, earlier curfews. But Chris revealed why this approach often backfires catastrophically when dealing with actual addiction.
The problem? If your child has the addiction response (remember, about 10-15% will), punishment and restrictions don’t address the root issue. You’re essentially punishing someone for having an allergic reaction.
Instead, Chris recommends what he calls the “Connected Response Method”:
Step 1: Establish Your Position Early Have a clear conversation as early as age 11 or 12: “Under no circumstances is it okay for you to use any substances until you are of legal age.” This isn’t about expecting perfect compliance – it’s about being on record.
Step 2: Respond with Calm Curiosity, Not Control When something happens (and statistically, it likely will), resist the urge to explode or restrict. Instead, approach with genuine curiosity: “Help me understand what happened last night.” No immediate punishments, no phone confiscation – just open dialogue.
Step 3: Look for Patterns Someone without addiction will typically respond to calm, consistent conversations by changing their behavior. But if you notice increasing defiance, avoidance, or continued use despite multiple conversations, you might be dealing with addiction.
Step 4: Link Consequences to Starting Something, Not Stopping This was revolutionary for me. Instead of “Stop drinking or I’ll take your phone,” try “I’d like you to speak with a counselor about this. If you’re not willing to do that, then we’ll need to discuss consequences.”
The Critical Difference Between Dependency and Addiction
Chris made a distinction that every parent needs to understand. Dependency is using substances as a coping mechanism – think of soldiers in Vietnam using heroin to cope with the trauma of war, then leaving it behind when they returned home. It’s problematic, but it’s not addiction.
Addiction has one defining characteristic: Can’t stop.
That’s it. Two words that change everything. It’s not about how much someone uses, how often they use, or even what they’re using. It’s about the inability to stop even when they desperately want to.
Chris surveyed over 1,000 people in recovery, asking how many mornings they woke up promising themselves they were done, only to use again that day. The number one answer? Countless.
When Helping Becomes Hurting: Understanding Codependency
One of the most painful revelations from our conversation was about codependency – when family members unknowingly enable addiction through their attempts to help. Chris called it “a match made in toxic heaven.”
The parent who covers up their child’s mistakes, makes excuses for their behavior, or tries to control every aspect of their environment isn’t helping – they’re often making things worse. Why? Because they’re trying to control the uncontrollable.
As Chris put it: “You’re trying to control a raging fire. That’s an impossibility.”
The healthier approach? Separate your loved one from their addiction. You can’t fix your child, but addiction has proven treatment paths. The key is recognizing that the addiction isn’t who they are – it’s something that has them.
Why Some Families Are More Vulnerable
While there’s no definitive answer about what causes addiction, certain factors increase risk:
- Genetic predisposition: If parents or grandparents struggled with addiction, the risk increases (though it’s not guaranteed)
- Undiagnosed mental health conditions: ADHD, anxiety, depression can co-occur with addiction
- Early exposure: The developing brain is more vulnerable to addiction
- Trauma or adverse childhood experiences: These create what Chris calls “atmospheric conditions” that make addiction more likely
But here’s what’s crucial to understand: addiction can happen to anyone, regardless of parenting quality, socioeconomic status, or family values.
The Real Cost of Denial
Perhaps the most powerful moment in our conversation was when Chris described the two primary delusions of addiction:
- “I don’t have a problem”
- “I don’t need help”
These delusions persist even when the person knows, deep down, that something’s wrong. They’ll admit to being an alcoholic while ordering another drink. They’ll promise to quit tomorrow for the thousandth time.
For families, the cost of matching this denial with your own (“not my kid,” “we did everything right,” “this is just a phase”) can be devastating. By the time parents accept reality, the addiction may have progressed from a spark to a five-alarm fire.
Finding Hope in Understanding
What gives me hope from this conversation is that addiction, while serious, is treatable. But treatment starts with understanding – understanding that it’s not a moral failing, understanding that traditional parenting approaches might backfire, and understanding that both the person with addiction and their family need support.
Chris’s story is proof of possibility. Sober since age 17, he’s now dedicated his life to helping families navigate these turbulent waters. His mother’s response when he came home from a party at 17 – simply asking “Would you like to go to a meeting with me?” instead of punishing or controlling – shows the power of approaching addiction with knowledge rather than judgment.
Taking Action: Your Next Steps
If you’re concerned about addiction in your family:
For Parents of Teens:
- Have the conversation about substances today, regardless of your child’s age
- Practice responding with curiosity rather than control
- Look for patterns, not isolated incidents
- Remember that 90% of teens will experiment – but only 10-15% will develop addiction
- Consider attending Al-Anon or similar support groups for yourself
For Those Supporting Adult Loved Ones:
- Stop trying to control the addiction – you can’t
- Focus on influencing the decision to get help
- Seek your own support through 12-step programs or counseling
- Remember Chris’s words: “There’s a difference between getting sober and staying sober”
For Anyone Struggling Personally:
- Know that addiction is not a character flaw
- Understand that “can’t stop” is the medical reality, not personal weakness
- Reach out for help – recovery is possible at any age
Resources and Support
Chris Doyle offers extensive resources through his platform, including:
- The Why Intervention Podcast with over 100 hours of education
- Free assessment tools and resources at WhyIntervention.com
- Personal coaching for families navigating addiction
- The Connected Response Method training
Remember, as Chris learned from his friend Joe Polish’s Genius Recovery community: the goal is to change the global conversation about addiction from judgment to compassion, from shame to support, from isolation to community.
The Bottom Line
Addiction touches nearly every family in some way. Whether it’s your teen, your spouse, your parent, or yourself, understanding addiction as a medical condition rather than a moral failing changes everything. It opens the door to real help, real healing, and real hope.
The conversation with Chris reminded me that we don’t prevent fires by pretending they can’t happen. We prevent devastation by having smoke detectors, fire extinguishers, and knowing what to do when we see smoke. The same is true for addiction – awareness, preparation, and the right response can make all the difference.
Most importantly, if addiction is affecting your family, you’re not alone. There’s help available, there’s a community of support, and there’s hope for recovery. Sometimes the bravest thing we can do is admit we need help – both for ourselves and for those we love.
The contents of the Midlife Conversations podcast is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always consult with a qualified healthcare provider. Some episodes of Midlife Conversations may be sponsored by products or services discussed during the show. The host may receive compensation for such advertisements or if you purchase products through affiliate links mentioned on this podcast.
