08 Jul Breaking Free from Grief: A Doctor’s Journey from Devastating Loss to Helping Others Heal with Dr. Cristi Bundukamara
Have you ever felt like you’re “doing grief wrong” because you don’t fit into those neat little stages everyone talks about? What if I told you that the entire framework we’ve been taught about grief is not only unhelpful—it’s actually harmful?
As someone who’s walked alongside countless women navigating loss and trauma in midlife, I was fascinated to speak with Dr. B, a psychiatric nurse practitioner whose personal journey challenged everything we think we know about healing. Her story isn’t just remarkable—it’s a masterclass in resilience that every woman needs to hear.
When Life Becomes Unimaginable
Dr. B has faced what most would consider unthinkable: losing three children and her husband over a span of 20 years. But here’s what struck me most about our conversation—she’s not just surviving, she’s genuinely thriving and helping thousands of others do the same through her revolutionary approach to healing.
After her first loss, she did what so many of us do: pushed through, focused on everyone else, and never stopped to properly grieve. It wasn’t until later losses that she discovered why traditional grief models were failing her—and why they’re failing so many women.
The Truth About the “5 Stages” of Grief
Here’s something that will blow your mind: those famous five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) weren’t even created for people who are grieving. They were developed by studying people who were dying in hospice, not the loved ones left behind.
Yet somehow, this framework has been stretched to apply to anyone experiencing loss—whether it’s death, divorce, job loss, or any major life change. And Dr. B explains why this is so problematic: it creates the expectation that grief has an endpoint, that you’ll move through these stages and be “done.”
The reality? Grief doesn’t have an expiration date. Twenty years from now, Dr. B will still cry on her children’s birthdays—and that’s not only normal, it’s healthy.
How Unprocessed Grief Shows Up in Your Body
What many women don’t realize is that unprocessed grief and trauma literally live in our bodies. Dr. B, with her medical background, explains how this manifests:
- Weight gain that won’t budge: Chronic stress from unprocessed trauma keeps cortisol levels elevated, making weight loss nearly impossible
- Hormone disruption: Your body’s stress response interferes with normal hormone function
- Chronic fatigue: Living in survival mode is exhausting and unsustainable
- Digestive issues: Your gut health directly reflects your emotional state
- Sleep problems: An overactive nervous system makes restful sleep elusive
Sound familiar? If you’re struggling with stubborn health issues in midlife, unprocessed grief or trauma could be the missing piece of your puzzle.
The Critical Difference Between Grief and Trauma
Dr. B makes a crucial distinction:
Grief is your badge of honor—the pain you feel because you loved deeply. This is sacred and should be honored, not rushed through.
Trauma is when that pain gets twisted into negative beliefs about yourself: “I’m not good enough,” “I should have done more,” “It’s my fault.” This is what needs to be released.
Most traditional approaches lump these together, but they require completely different healing strategies.
Instead of waiting to move through arbitrary stages, Dr. B teaches women to:
- Know yourself, like yourself, love yourself: You can’t heal what you don’t understand. This starts with genuine self-exploration—not just self-care activities that feel like another responsibility.
- Practice “controlled grief”: Set aside intentional time to feel your pain on your terms. Go to a quiet space, look at photos, hold meaningful objects, and let the emotions flow. This prevents grief from ambushing you at inconvenient times.
- Release trauma from your body: Trauma must be physically released, not just mentally processed. This might involve therapy, movement, breathwork, or other somatic practices.
- Separate different types of pain: Learn to categorize what you’re feeling—is this grief, trauma, anxiety, or something else? Each requires different tools.
Moving Forward Without Moving On
Perhaps the most liberating thing Dr. B shared is this: you don’t have to “get over” anything. You don’t have to reach some mythical stage of acceptance where everything is okay.
Instead, you can learn to carry your grief as the love it represents while releasing the trauma that keeps you stuck. You can honor your pain while still choosing joy. You can acknowledge your losses while building a thriving life.
If you’re stuck in survival mode, carrying pain that seems to live in your very cells, know that healing is possible. Not the kind that erases your story, but the kind that transforms it into your strength. Your grief is not something to get through—it’s something to honor. Your trauma is not your identity—it’s something you can release. And your pain, when properly processed, can become the foundation of not just your healing, but your purpose.
The five stages of grief might be famous, but they’re not serving you. It’s time to try something that actually works! Dr. B offers intensive workshops where women learn the Mentally Strong Method and discover personalized tools for releasing trauma. You can also access her free book “Pain and Purpose” and documentary to learn more about her transformative approach to healing.
